A Simple Patchwork quilt

In over 30 years of quilting, I've never made a quilt simply of squares. Until now. You may remember this one, started early this Summer.

I enjoyed picking each and every fabric in colors of aqua, coral, gray and yellow. I love how this simple design really lets the fabrics sing!

The quilting design is "Flower Power" from Angela's book. It was super fun and easy.

Because I didn't count squares when I was cutting, there were tons left over that became much of the backing.

I used all my favorite bicycle prints and it makes me feel like hanging on to Summer just a little bit longer...  Cindy

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Did you blog yet??

Mhm .... those were her very first words post-op, "Did you blog yet?".  Finally, tears of relief that this "part" is over has come.  She is in a lot of pain and will be probably for a few days, however the DOC, the Neurosurgeon said, "It went beautifully.".  She will be in the PACU overnight, being monitored closely.  Those six hours of surgery felt like an eternity for us. Daughter number 1 said that she looks good, but *I* was overwhelmed by her transformation from Superwoman to the Bionic Woman.  She is a testament to us all that bravery is only a mere thought away.  

Thank you all for your caring words, prayers and concerns.  She truly loves reading your posts and I think the blog is now daughter number 4.

~ Daughter number 2

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For now.

Just thought you'd like to say goodbye, toodles, and good riddance, to the monster in my head.

I know that I do.

I'm a raw nerve, I cry every 10 to 15 minutes, for no reason whatever.  I about fell apart in the MRI machine this morning.
I didn't realize that I would be slid into this thing the full length of my body, and that it would be inches above my face.  I usually can do those things.  Not so much today.
I almost lost it, but not quite.  As soon as I felt the fear, I squeezed my eyes shut, and committed myself to not opening them.  Then the noise began.  You can't appreciate how noisy an MRI of your head can be unless the monster is lodging between your eyes.
He wasn't happy.
Then the tears came.  No noise, no movement.....heaven forbid.   Nope, just a flood of tears.
Far from home, facing the unknown, aware of my oh, so human frailties.

Tomorrow, I am having brain surgery.   A little voice in my head, the one I'm not supposed to listen to, says, WTF?  Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
But I am grateful.  Grateful that someone has an answer.  Grateful that someone can fix it.  Grateful for the love of so many family and friends because that love holds me up, and helps me to focus on getting through the present moment, with hope for a headache free future.
And maybe the monster knows, because he is waging war on my head every day without a break.  He knows that he is soon to be evicted.  And the pain he inflicts only makes me more sure that this is the right thing to do.
The only thing to do.
I am going to try to get my daughter to do an update here.  I think she will, just enough to let you all know what is going on.
I look forward to blogging when this is over, about EVERYTHING but the monster.
Monster, be damned.
Thank you, all, for your prayers, good thoughts, energy, and concern.
You are the best.

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Field Study Play...

The wait is over! After seeing Field Study by Anna Maria Horner and Chicopee by Denyse Schmidt at Market last May, I knew I had better save up for these.

And lo and behold they really coordinate nicely. I wonder if they planned that?

{Field Study on the left and Chicopee on the right}

I have a plan for these!

But not ready to start a big quilt at the moment, I just played with these beautiful fabrics this weekend.

The Lone Starburst is a block that I've wanted to try from the moment I saw it.

And of course I had to try the Feather block, Anna's free pattern. I liked Molly's version, and decided to cut my right and left pieces the same.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with these blocks. They were made for pure fun. 

{And, no, I'm not giving them up!}

. . . Cindy

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From this point

Counting down the days.  Who knew that going under the knife could be so appealing?

It's all about what I have said so many times before: perspective.
A couple of people have said, " Are you sure you wanna do this?"
That's a question asked from THEIR perspective.
From their point of view, having brain surgery sounds ridiculous, formidable, horrific.

From my perspective, however, which you have heard tons about, brain surgery sounds like the ring of the doorbell, when you have waited for a guest to arrive, someone you long to see.
It sounds like  a promise, hope, relief.
Sweet relief.

Today I did normal stuff, acting "as if" everything were just that, normal.
I walked Roy, went to the studio, did morning chores.
On the way home to do more preparation for leaving, I stopped at the Farmer's Market, and bought some lovely bread, and some huge, fresh tomatoes.
And I made myself a sandwich.

You will note, however, that this is not a pristine tomato sandwich.
But that's because I sprouted my own fresh sprouts, and they were too tempting not to include them.

I sat quietly alone and ate my sprout and tomato and mayonaisse sandwich, and I thought about how sweet the most normal daily things can be.  I took my time.  I relished it.
I savored every bite.
 I thought about all those sandwiches that I have wolfed down throughout my life, in a hurry to do something else.
Sandwiches every bit as deserving of my attention as this one.

When this is done, and I have a new and improved head, I am not coming back to my 'old' life.
Oh, no.
I am coming back to my new and improved life.
A more thoughtful life, a less hectic and rushed life.
I am going to give myself time to access that part of me that just wants to BE creative, without all the hoopla.
I am making a bucket list, folks.  You think it's for people older than me????
No, it isn't about age at all.
It isn't necessarily about illness.
It's about reaching a point, where you know you haven't been paying attention.  And standing there, you are certain that there is more, and you want it.  You want every minute to be as meaningful, and as precious, as it can be.
That's where I am standing.

Today, I went to the nearest salon, and got a hair cut in preparation for this surgical EVENT.  Because it IS an event, right?
I very calmly got a #3 buzz cut on the back of my head.
Hey, why not??
They're going to shave a strip down the back of my head anyway, so I figured I would make it easier for them to do that, and for me to let my hair all grow in together after it's over.
It was kind of freeing, actually.  It makes me want to buzz cut my whole head.
Can you imagine that?    Totally disassociating yourself from all that caring about what you looked like, and what other people thought?
wow.
Maybe there are all kinds of positives here, that I am just beginning to see.

Remember a couple of weeks ago?  I was ready to sell everything, and move to Maine???  My daughters said that it was my headache talking crazy.  I didn't think so.  Now I'm not so sure.
Oh, yes, I love Maine more than most.  And I have always dreamed of Maine, living there as an old lady, in an old house, in a little seaside village.
And who knows, maybe I will.
But it was more than that, I know that now.
It was 10 and a half months of incredible, unrelenting pain in my head and my face. Pain that first nagged at me, then chased me down, and finally just held me hostage.
I thought about just getting in my car, and driving away.  But the knowledge that I could not escape the misery kept me from doing that.
I have pushed myself all the way through this.  Every single thing I have done, day in and day out, from just getting in the shower, to grocery shopping, to changing litter boxes, everything has been done under duress.  Sometimes it has not as much duress as other times, but lately, it has ramped up to a level that occasionally frightens me.
It's ok, I am not complaining about the way I handled this.  It was the only thing that "I" could do.  It was my way.
But, God, I'm glad it's coming to an end.  Because I can't do it anymore.

I am so looking forward to my new life, the one without a headache.
The one where I allow myself to savor the journey.
One year ago, this coming week, I was on vacay in Maine with my girls, and grands.
This week, I will be getting my head straight.....pun intended.
But I will be dreaming of Maine.

You can count on it.

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Finally

Yesterday was the day I have waited for for 10 months.

I know that this does not look like the yellow brick road, but it is.

My daughter and I drove 4 hours to get there, and by some stroke of luck, we were early.

So we decided to have brunch, suspecting that my appointment would not allow any time for lunch.

The diner we ate in was more than awesome.  I wish it were closer to where I live.

She had this incredible bruschetta omelette, and I had a Greek omelette with spinach and feta cheese.

So far, the day was a success.
My daughter observed, that as well as the day had been going so far, maybe the doctor would just "crack" my neck, and I would be fixed.
If only.

And here we are.

At last.

I was about to have what I thought I knew thrown right out the window.

I thought that Chiari was something I was born with.

It's not.

It always has a cause.  Mine was smashing my head on a rock last August.

I thought that Chiari surgery was about as bad as it could get.

I was wrong.

It seems that when I fell, I did more damage than I realized at the time.  For the first time in this crazy search for a 'reason' for this headache, I had an answer.

For the first time, in 10 months of never ending pain, I heard the words I had been waiting for.

"I know why you have a headache."

Yes, in case you are wondering.  I cried. Spontaneous tears, and a weight lifted. 

Easily visible, when pointed out on my MRI, was the reason for my Chiari, which is in all reality a herniation of the brain.  

Basilar invagination occurs when the top of the C2 vertebrae migrates upward. It can cause the opening in the skull where the spinal cord passes through to the brain (the foramen magnum) to narrow. It also may press on the lower brainstem.

The top of my spine is not straight, like it should be, but it is bent backward, and pressing into my brain stem, which is in turn pressing on the rest of my brain, and causing it to 'herniate' down into my spinal canal........thus the Chiari.

Basilar invagination can be present at birth. If the condition develops after birth, it is usually the result of injury or diseases. If due to injury, about half the time it is caused by vehicle or bicycle accidents; 25% of the time by falls and 10% of the time by recreational activities such as diving accidents.

So now a whirlwind of getting ready.  

I am scheduled to have a decompression surgery on the back of my head, and two rods and four screws to fuse and keep my cervical spine from impinging on my brain stem, the way it is now.

I am emotionally drained, partially terrified, incredibly relieved.

New word: terri-lieved.  That's me.

I know this will be hard.  I know that it's a big decision.

But here it is......the choice.............painful surgery with the promise of a normal life at the end of the recovery, OR the headache from HELL for the rest of my life.  Cause unless they fix it, it ain't going anywhere.

It's not a hard choice.  It's a scary one, but not hard.

I am also incredibly grateful, for the path that led me to the right doctor, the right place, and perhaps, an end to this nightmare.

I will probably say this again, but thanks to all of you for your continuing love and support through all this......there's a chance, soon, that you may not hear me talking about a headache.

Now, THAT'S NEWS.

It will be happening next week.  It can't be soon enough.  I will keep you posted.

But just remember this........NOW in the future,  if you say that I may have a screw loose, YOU may be right.

Just sayin'.

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Honey

I'm piecing an entirely different version of "Honey" than the original found on the cover of Modern Patchwork.

and I'm loving it! Can't wait to get the remaining rows on!

. . . Cindy

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100 Quilts for Kids

My first quilt for 100 Quilts For Kids is ready to go. I'm donating it to Project Linus. The STL Modern Quilt Guild will be collecting quilts for kids at our October 13th meeting. There's still time to make a quilt (I hope to make at least one more!) and be eligible for some great prizes!

My quilt is the result of 3 UFO blocks that I had made to practice some paper piecing. I added some sliced coin rows to make it a decent size.

It was a great opportunity to practice a free motion quilting design from Angela Walter's book. I used "Concentric Circles" and was pretty good at them by the time I finished the quilt.

Finishing up a UFO, practicing some free motion quilting and giving to a child in need ~ that's a winning combo in my book!

. . . Cindy

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One day at a time

I wish I could tell you that I took this picture myself.  Cause that would mean that I was vacationing in balmy old England, visiting the family, instead of what I am really getting ready for.

My cousin took this.  It is on Magdalene Street, Cambridge, England.

I would love to sit in one of these flat boats and float down the river.

Here is a picture, looks like it was taken from the other direction, that I found on Wikipedia.
I can imagine being here.  I can.

I can't even figure out what's going on in my head lately.  I do try not to listen to the 'voice', the one that worries.
All of you, my blogging friends, you DO carry me.  Your support and encouragement is nothing short of incredible.  I have heard from a couple of people WITH Chiari, one who has had surgery, one who is having it a day before me.
I love that you all take a few minutes out of your day, to cheer me on.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I've been flitting around.  It seems to be what I do best lately.  Sporadically productive.
I decided to get all my knitting stuff organized, and of course, doing that revealed 'unfinished projects'.
oh dear.

So last night I finished up these wool socks.

And tonight I am finishing up these mittens.

Over the weekend  I treated myself to these cups, four in all.....two of each style.
Handpainted with bees flying up the side.   I just fell in love with them.

I guess you could say that I am amusing myself from this moment to the next.
That helps me to stay in the now, and let go of what doesn't belong to me.

Tonight, walking Roy, I saw this rusty old gate, chained shut.  It caught my eye, and got me thinking about how we get 'locked' into old patterns.

But there's always a new horizon, and another day to get it right.

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Stems

One of my projects on retreat last week was this top. The pattern is "Stems" by Fig Tree Quilts. I love Orla Kiely and the quilt was inspired by one of her signature designs.

I first saw the quilt done by Caroline of Trillium Design. I could say I was inspired by her quilt, but really I totally copied hers. You can see her version here. Mine uses a gray Essex Linen background with prints from FMF, and Erin McMorris' line La Dee Da.

The back is ready and I'm on to quilting it!

. . . Cindy

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Falling apart a little.

WARNING: Random photos that have nothing whatever to do with this post.


In between bouts of playing on Picmonkey to harass adolescent Yankee fans,  and blogging, walking Roy by the river, baking muffins, weaving baby blankets, reading, playing Scrabble, knitting, taking my mother to the grocery store, acting all NORMAL, I fall apart.
Yes, it's true.
I cry a lot.
Gosh, I shouldn't be telling you this.
But it's fact..
I feel alternately relieved after crying, and embarrassed.  The tears come any old time they want, I really have little control of them.
I guess it's just the way I process it all.
I didn't blog over the weekend, I just didn't have anything to offer.
Unless you count unadulterated terror.
Sadness.
Pissed off-ness. (is that a word? it should be)
Anticipation.
Excitement.
More terror.
Anxiety.
Distraction.
Periods of calm.
All of these wildly fluctuating inside my head on a daily basis.

I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle.  And if there is any time you need to listen to Eckhart Tolle, it is when BRAIN SURGERY is scheduled on YOUR head.
Oh, yeah.
Sitting here last night, listening to it on my lap top, while the Red Sox and Yankees played silently to the left of me, I listened to ET saying that I need to ask myself if I have a problem THIS MINUTE.
Well, no, actually, I don't.
And he says, that the fact that I am having surgery........(he didn't exactly use those words) is not a problem to me THIS MINUTE.  It is FUTURE TENSE.  So therefore, it is a challenge.
I get it.
And a little voice.....the one he says I should under no circumstances be listening to, screams:
SEMANTICS.

One thing that bothers me.......bare with me.....this probably makes little sense......but I have always been 'the strong one' to my kids.  They say that. My three beautiful daughters.
 They look to me to always be on top of my game, tough, capable, in charge.
They say that when they can't count on anything else, they can count on me being no nonsense, to the point, get it done, the one they look to, the  MOM.
And I know that is not something that lasts forever.
But who knew that even contemplating how that could change, would hurt so much?
There go the tears again.

I think Eckhart Tolle has it right.  No doubt.  I am listening to a whole series of this conversations.
I want to know.  I want to learn.  I want to be better.

But it ain't so easy to quiet a voice that has been talking at you for your whole life.

And it ain't easy to think about brain surgery, and not think that you have a problem.
Just sayin.

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I live in NY, but........

L has had the studio to herself a lot these last few months.....I have been an extreme slacker at times.

She isn't always working her fingers to the bone though.
Sometimes, she doing "good deeds".
Like helping her nephew weave a table runner for his Mom for her birthday.
Shhhhh.   It's a surprise.
So, what, she's not a blog follower????

Geesh.

Unfortunately, DENNIS, I can in no way put your photo on my blog while you are wearing a NY
YANKEES tee shirt.  It just can't happen.

But not to worry, I fixed it for you.
Go SOX!!!!!

L gave him the abbreviated version, with a pre-existing warp.

But I definitely think he has some potential.

He is really paying attention.

And he did a great job, Mom is going to be so proud.

NOW......if we can't just persuade him to switch baseball teams.


Apparently, Chiari/HH is affected by the barometric pressure.......we got some rain, and we are supposed to get more, and I can tell, because it takes the edge off the pain.
It's not gone, it's just not so hard.

Today, I totally amused myself for the most part, weaving a baby blanket on the Schacht 36" loom that got warped yesterday.
The loom is in the hall upstairs.  I wove with two windows open, and a sweet breeze coming in.
I took my time, and loved every minute.
It makes me think about the weaving I want to do, and the joy I find it it every time.  When my headache is gone, I am committed to weaving what my heart wants me to.

Do you like it?

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Dresden Fan retreat

I just returned from a productive quilt retreat with a wonderful group of talented quilters!

The Dresden Fan was the project of the week with 9 out of 14 of us working on our own version. Several chose polka-dots like the original and they were oh so cute!

Of course, there's always a rebel in the group who has to try something way out of the box. These blocks turned out awesome. I think the design has tons of possibilities!

I came home and finished up my last 4 blocks and they're ready to be sewn together. I think I'm going to love this one!

Here are a few other projects I was able to get a snapshot of:

And I finished a top that I'm so happy with. I'll get a picture soon, but one of our ambitious quilters sewed my cut-offs into these super cute little blocks (2 1/4").

You might want to head over to the Martingale blog for an awesome free pattern. It's also a great time to pick up something in the shop as everything is 25% off! Have a great weekend!

. . . Cindy

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