So where did I leave off?

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of activity in my house with some home remodeling. And one of the rooms affected was the sewing room. Eleven years ago when we built our house, I was thrilled to get a decent sized sewing room. It's upstairs above the garage and my husband shares an adjoining office. We carpeted the rooms and the first time I tried to roll my chair, I knew we had made a mistake. All my sewing furniture is on wheels - the sewing machine tables, the cutting table, the ironing board and the storage cabinets. So I've been dreaming of non-carpeted floors for 11 years. We just had to wait long enough for the carpet to wear out a bit!

We had a window of opportunity with our installers and bought wood laminate flooring, cleared the rooms of just about everything, painted, decluttered, organized, built some new Ikea and Target furniture and we're finally back to functional. We're taking our time to move fabric, paper and books back in so we can sort through things and end up with a clean well-organized space. Needless to say, not too much sewing has been happening, but I'm pleased to say I finally got back to sewing on Sunday afternoon! Things happened quickly and I had a hard timing remembering where I'd left off!

I'll share more pictures of the sewing room when I get all the pretties up...

Does it look like I'm back in business?...

This is what I had to take off the design wall and now it's back up. And I've even added a few more blocks! The pattern is Starlit Evening from Heather Mulder Peterson's book Living Large 2 in Anna Maria Horner fabrics. The halves are not sewn together yet which is why they look a little wonky. Just a few more blocks and I'll be ready to sew these together!

One of my plans is to make several scrap quilts this year {maybe one per quarter}. I've been wanting to do the Economy Block and a quilt-along popped up on Instagram. I joined in to make my first scrap quilt of the year. My blocks are 5 1/2" using the tutorial from Red Pepper Quilts...

Some kitchen table sewing last week and I managed to get my MQG Riley Blake challenge done. Except for the quilting... gotta get to that!

In other news, Joanna from Fig Tree Quilts has relisted the Nutmeg Stars pattern. I posted my version here. You might remember that I made my blocks a bit larger. With Joanna's permission, I'll have a tutorial on the block soon along with my changes. You'll still need the pattern for the original dimensions and directions.

And finally, like much of the country, we've been super cold. Makes me want to snuggle under a quilt and do some handwork. I've been doing some embroidery and started crocheting some flowers the other night. Think I have Spring fever already? I'm thinking these may be a garland for the new sewing room? The pattern is available from Emma Lamb.

Since this sure sounds like a WIP post, I'll be linking up to Lee at Freshly Pieced on Wednesday...

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News and serious talk.

First off, some news.  I am going to do some weaving weekends this year.  Sign up is on my web site, or you can email me.  So far two scheduled, one for April 18-20, and one for May 16-18.  I may do more, but that's it for now.

I just looked back at my blogging history......I started tentatively in 2007 with SEVEN posts.   Then in 2008, I ramped it up to a big 35 posts.
Then I got my groove on in 2009 with 205, and even more in 2010 with 241.
In 2011, I really was cruising along, and posted 328 times.
It is evident that after I started with the headaches, in October 2011, that change was coming.
In 2012, I posted 260 times.
And with 2 surgeries  in 2013, I only posted 156 times.
Why do I mention this???

Well, I  am spending some time in the deep south, staying warm for the winter, as much as is humanly possible.   It isn't really a vacation exactly, although that is what it feels like.  Mostly, I came because I was looking for some relief from my head.   I have concluded (and I hope that I am right) that much of my headache comes from outside forces....mostly pressure changes, in the weather, and in how the weather affects my sinuses.   I am also pretty sure that in severe cold temperatures, I scrunch my neck up almost constantly, muscle contraction and abuse that directly affect my neck and my head.
So far, it appears to be true.
My headache is much, much better.  So far.

But in addition to all that, I knew I needed to regroup. 
If you talk to anyone who has had brain/head surgery, they will all tell you the same thing.
It changes them.
Someone once said to me, "well it wasn't brain surgery exactly, it was on your NECK."
First off, they did have to repair the dura of my brain in the first surgery.  Secondly, if you look at a schematic of your head, you will see that C1, 2 and 3, are in the MIDDLE of your head.

Sorry, but "NECK MY A$$."

Anyway, I rant and digress.

Somehow, since all this has happened to me, I am different.  It is very difficult to explain.....I am me, but different.
My Chiari friend said that it felt that her brain had been rebooted.   That's close.
It has shuffled up my priorities.   It has changed how I feel about a lot of things, and what I think about a lot of things.
It feels sometimes that I have been dropped into a different country, and I am not sure I speak the same language.
I have less filters than I ever had........and I never had many.    I have less tolerance for drama than before,  if that's possible.
My relationship with "tact", which has not been good my whole life, has plummeted.
I find myself re-evaluating everything.   I am constantly re-planning, re-thinking, and driving myself crazy wondering why I can't settle.
I have had what I call "lust for land".......I peruse properties on the internet, EVERYWHERE.   Like I will ever move to New Mexico, or Montana.  I scan houses on realtor.com, and then find them on google maps.   I try to imagine what my life would be like if I pulled up roots and moved to one of these places tiny towns, mostly, in the middle of nowhere.   I worry that I am missing the life I could have somewhere else.   But where?

But I know this sickness.  Alcoholics call it 'geographical change'.  They think that moving somewhere else will make it better, chase away their demons, when in fact, the demon is with them wherever they go.
As mine will likely be.  This head, and all the trauma that has befallen it in the last two years, belongs to me, and no one else.  It demands that I do the best I can with it, one day at a time.

I know that I really don't want to move to some strange place, and start all over.  But there is some frantic part of me, like the drinker, who wishes for something that will make it all go away.  And like the drinker, recovery will always be a part of my life.
I know that.
Moving is not the answer.  

Roy and I walk every morning, 3 miles in the sunshine, to the ocean.   I think about all of this feeling of unrest, craziness really,  I try to put my finger on the core of it, but it eludes me every time.

I only know for sure that in the last two years I have lost my mother, I have lost the life and the  self  I knew and was comfortable with, and insult upon injury,  I have lost my best friend, as well.
Enough already.

I am just not sure who I am anymore, that is the awful truth.

There are, thankfully, a few things I am dead on positive about, one  is my love for my family.

My love for my friends, my dog and my cats.

My love of my looms.

Maybe they will help me find me again.  I  hope so.

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Sunset

My friend and I had plans to go to the ocean just a couple of miles away, to see the sunset, hoping for some good pictures.
But then we had a quick rain storm, and the sky was cloudy and dark in the west.  We decided it was probably not a good time for photos.

Then at the last minute, we said, what the heck, let's just go.

It was a good decision.

We were incredibly surprised, and pleased.

It's just proof to me that no matter how dreary things may get, and no matter how tough life may become, if you are open, and willing to take a chance, beautiful things can happen.

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Hear me sigh.

I am realizing now that DH and I have not taken a vacation, a real vacation, in much longer than I
prefer to admit.
Oh, yeah, we did a whirlwind weekend here and there, our favorite place was the Maine coast.
But a real vacation?  Nope, not in many years.
Mostly it was because leaving my mother alone in New York, while we went far away, was really
not a favorable option.
So we just didn't go.

So this is a shock to my system.   Sunshine, no schedule.
And a freaking doable .......let me repeat.........DOABLE.........headache.
It's not gone, and there are times, when it sneaks up on me, but for 90% of the time, it is a 3.
What a lovely ring THREE has to it, my friends.

Today, two long walks in the ocean breeze.  Two hours in the pool in the sun.


This guy is right behind the house, along with some swans, egrets, Muscovy ducks, and some other birds that I can't identify.

When we first got here, I walked Roy around the house, and he acted like his two front paws were on fire.......I looked at them, didn't see anything, and as soon as we were off the lawn, he seemed ok.

Today, when I dashed outside in my sock feet to get a picture of this guy perched on a pole,  I found out why Roy was in pain.
I screeched, and then bent down to rip my socks off, and stepped over on some rocks to get back to the house.  On inspection, the bottom of my socks were covered in these little, tiny burrs with sharp, sharp projections.  And omg, did they hurt.
I apologized to Roy, and he won't be going on the lawn again.
Nor will I, without shoes.

I am feeling guiltily lazy, and a bit aimless.
But having this mini headache makes it feel like some sort of heaven, so I'm ok with it.

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A few thoughts.

Today I was walking Roy and the thought ran through my head that I needed to call my mother.
Of course, I immediately teared up, my throat got tight, and I felt that sharp pain of loss that sneaks up on me sometimes with no warning.

Then I remembered  something that  a friend of my daughter said.

"When you miss talking to her, just talk to her."

So I did.
Walking the 3 miles to the beach, with the wind blowing and the sun beating down from a clear blue sky, I talked to my mother.
I told her how much I missed her, and how sorry I was that the last two years of her life, I was so miserably in pain.  I was often short with her, and I know that without the headache from hell, I could have been a better daughter.   A better caretaker.
I told her I was trying to get better.
I told her that I loved her, and always would.

There have been times in my life when I couldn't cry, when it was ok to cry.
But those tears always catch up to me later, I am vulnerable when I least expect it.

Someone I love recently told me that there had been so much loss lately.  
I understand that.
Loss, and change.
They seem to come together.

But everything I lose, and every change that comes down the pike, makes me treasure my life just that much more.

Every breath, every single moment.

 I am so grateful for the  friends and family that have stood by me.   I couldn't have done it without them.

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I'm here.

I have gotten a few emails wondering where the heck I went off to.  And I apologize, because I know that with my medical history, some of you might be worried that I took the bridge.
Or worried that maybe my head exploded.
But nope, that's not the case.
DH and I got out of Dodge, something we have planned for a while.

I especially have wanted to leave the northeast for part or most of the winter, to see if it helped my head.  I have been pretty convinced that the cold was making my headaches that much worse.

Well, we have been in Georgia for a week, and lo and behold........my headache has been an incredible, fantastic, unbelievable THREE for the whole time.
One of my best friends ever invited us to stay with her, and I am so glad we took her up on it.
What a great time.

First off, 60 degrees, walking Roy for 5 miles, with NO coat, not even a sweater.......

We really relaxed, and did NOTHING.  And I got to visit NONSTOP with my friend (we have been friends since the 7th grade).

Now we are in Florida, on the Atlantic side, visiting another friend for a couple of days, before we finally land at our rental on the Gulf. 
We are pretty exhausted from driving right now, but loving the total absence of ICE and SNOW and COLD.
Ya hear me, right??

It's been a tough couple of years, and my life has changed a lot.  It has changed incredibly in just the last few months, and I am still reeling a bit.
But I am also intent on living the 'rest' of my life, whatever it brings.

For now, it's bringing sunshine, lots and lots of sunshine.

Lois is holding the fort, she is actually IN CHARGE, so Crazy as a Loom is still open for business.

Me, I'm regrouping for the next chapter.   I hope it's a good one.

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Redbird Bee Secret Santa Swap...

I belong to a wonderful Bee within the St Louis Modern Quilt Guild. We're starting our third year with a fun traveling block project. But we decided to end 2013 and  begin 2014 with a Secret Santa swap. Thanks to Kelly who got us all registered at secretsanta.com. We were all able to create a wish list and the site did the name swapping for us. No one knew who had who. We gave ourselves a couple of months to make a handmade gift for out partner. It's a talented group! So we all ooohed and aaahed as each gift was revealed on Saturday!

I received this AMAZING bag from Hannah. Even my husband said "the colors are so you!" {didn't think he even noticed}

And look at all those zippers!! I've been trying to get all my handwork organized and this is perfect. So grateful for such a beautiful, thoughtful gift!

I had Linda's name and she asked for a wallhanging for her sewing room. I decided to use a block chosen by each of our Bee members over the last 2 years and incorporate it into a wall quilt. Here's what I came up with.

I made all the blocks first in a 6" size. Then it took quite a while to figure out an arrangement that I liked. The "Sew" is fused and and machine appliquéd and the needle and thread are embroidered.

Such a fun activity!!

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